This is a guest post from Sargeras over at Coffee with Sargeras, enjoy!
Howdy, friends! My name is Sargeras. I am the Supreme Lord of The Burning Legion, the High Sultan of Entropy, and generally the manifest nexus of all evil in the universe.
You may have heard of me.
But enough about me, let's talk about you. What if I told you that your guild could become even better at raiding than Ensidia, just by reading this post? Impossible, you say?
Not at all. Because I'm going to tell you how to defeat...me.
Of course, I am not a fightable boss currently. Heck, they haven't even made Arthas available yet, so I can only imagine how long it'll be before my turn comes up! But when I do, you'll be prepared, and you can rush in and get it done before any of the top-ranking guilds that waste all their time raiding instead of reading my nuggets of wisdom.
So. Battle of the Ages. Here's how it'll go down:
I have a wicked cut scene where I bust out of the Nether and land on a mountaintop all shrouded in flames and everything. It's totally badass. I'm like "WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER OF AEONS?" Actually I rarely slumber for more than one aeon at a time, but if a final boss fight isn't the moment for hyperbole, I don't know what is.
BATTLE: PHASE 1
Straight off I cast "Burning Explosion of Molten Burning Fire (With Burning)", which kills everyone no matter what. Fortunately the blast is so powerful that it bends the space-time continuum back on itself, so everyone comes back to life. So um, I guess the first phase is pretty easy actually?
BATTLE: PHASE 2
Realizing that I need to tone it down a bit, I cast my third-most powerful spell, "Burning Explosion of Molten Lukewarm Fire." This will kill about 2/3 of your party, however, it is critical that you do not attempt to heal anyone. If anyone tries to heal after this spell, they will trigger the HealPlox Curse, which causes everyone who gets healed to whine about slow healing through the rest of the fight. This will quickly become unbearable.
I become tired and sit down for a while. I take out my harmonica and wistfully begin to play "Down and Out in the Twisting Nether." Under no circumstances should you attack me at this time, despite my seeming vulnerability, as I will simply beat you down with my harmonica, taking care of course to time my beatings with the rhythm of my song for a pleasing musical effect.
BATTLE: PHASE 3
Finally, a chance to attack! I cast "Twist and Shout" which is instantly deadly UNLESS you immediately have your character begin dancing. Every time I pause to take a breath, attack! This phase lasts about ten minutes so you should have plenty of time to destroy my armor, which will lead to...
BATTLE: FINAL PHASE
...in which I shift into my ultimate form, "GRAND FUNK RAILROAD" and cast the attack "Down with the Man!" This will destroy all male members in the party.
As this is my only spell in my final form, the remaining members of the party may attack me at their leisure. I promise not to enjoy it...much. ;-)
Well, there you have it...the foolproof strategy for downing the biggest baddie of them all! Best start practicing now.
Don't say I never gave ya nothin'.
May 15, 2009Posted by Aenorn
Unholy Hands by Aenorn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
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